Let’s continue the theme I began a couple weeks ago about moms who think the world revolves around them, shall we?
This next blog post is about Mother’s Day. Or rather the fact that some women don’t know how to communicate to their men and instead seek validation from a bunch of strangers who aren’t married to him. Or rather how some moms think that it’s OK to demand that their husbands celebrate them in a way that they’ll approve or they’ll be upset.
(Warning: This one is a rather long but juicy post.)
Anyways, there’s this group on Facebook that I used to like because it seemed to feature wives who needed a dose of reality once in a while and I didn’t mind providing it when necessary.
But lately, I’ve been seriously considering leaving it. Which would help make my leaving Facebook (again) much easier. (Except when I take into account the other groups and pages I manage, shoot.)
I recently commented on this post from a woman who wanted her question to remain anonymous, perhaps because she knew that airing her dirty laundry was despicable and something her husband would, rightfully so, not appreciate:
I’m having a hard time figuring out how to express to my husband that I’d really like for him to make Mother’s Day special since it’s my first one as a mom. We tried for years to get pregnant and I mentioned that I would like to celebrate it while I was pregnant, but he said no since I was not a mom yet. I’ve learned from the Dating Divas that men can’t read our minds, so a few weeks ago I told him I’d like to do something special to celebrate it and he took it as I wanted him to spend thousands of dollars on me and go all out which is not the case. I’m worried that he’s not going to do anything or that it’s going to be a last minute bouquet of flowers and I just don’t want to be upset on Mother’s Day. I could plan the entire day, but I always do that and I really want him to be in charge of this surprise. What should I do?
I hadn’t felt so enraged after reading such a dumb post (and there have been lots of dump posts on that group).
Here are the reasons why:
- If she didn’t know how to express to HER husband that she’d really like for him to make Mother’s Day special…how would a complete group of strangers know?
- She learned from the Dating Divas (some site offering date-planning help to women because there’s nothing else for wives to do, apparently) that men can’t read minds: I have a hard time believing a woman who judged herself mature enough to become a wife and ultimately a mom didn’t know that MEN CAN’T READ MINDS until some site told her so. [Moms, go ahead and tell your daughters right now that NOBODY can read their minds. Go ahead: I’ll wait…]
- Unless it’s not qualified or clarified, “something special to celebrate” sounds expensive to a man.
- “I’m worried that he’s not going to do anything”: Well, Mother’s Day is a fake Hallmark holiday. If she wants to do something, she should be a little clearer as to what she expects.
- “…or that it’s going to be a last minute bouquet of flowers and I just don’t want to be upset on Mother’s Day”: Here’s this entitled woman complaining about a gift she’d be getting and that if she didn’t get what she wanted, she’d be upset, wah-wah. Selfish much?
- “I could plan the entire day, but I always do that and I really want him to be in charge of this surprise.”: I don’t get why he HAS to? If that’s not his forte, why can’t she give him some clues or, God forbid, accept that the man who vowed to spend the rest of his life with her isn’t a romantic surprise planner and that he didn’t become that overnight and that she’s known this all along but chooses to love him anyways?
I tried to cool down, perhaps unsuccessfully, and responded with the following:
My husband grew up with a “mother” who cared a lot about what others would get her and do for her. Like a child, she’d get upset and take it out on everyone (even her children when they were kids!) when she didn’t get what she wanted. In short, her husband learned to give her whatever just to keep her quiet.
Your husband doesn’t not care about you. He just sees this specific holiday as a fake one and a marketing ploy. And he’s not wrong. Don’t let the media control how you see that day.
Remember a few things:
– Mother’s Day is every day. Idk him but he may be planning on pampering you other ways.
– Mother’s Day isn’t about YOU. He contributed, and of course, your child will have made you a Mom. My mom’s given my dad and ME gifts on Mother’s Day as Thanks for making her a mom. (I’m not a mom yet but this was still a sweet gesture.)
– The “last-minute bouquet of flowers” is still something–esp. for a day that doesn’t mean anything but an opportunity for stores to make $ from people who buy into their ploys.
– If, after reading this, this still matters to you, then the easiest way to tell him this matters…is by kindly and lovingly telling him just that. Include a back or neck rub or whatever other means you think necessary.
At the end of the day, please don’t let something as relatively minor as a marketing ploy the media controls mess up w/the joy of becoming a mom.
A lot of what you mentioned rubbed me the wrong way b/c it made you seem SO selfish, like a fake holiday has to be celebrated your way or else you’ll take it out on somebody. The day your child is born is the day you stop watching out/wanting for yourself.
To say that my comment got a LOT of engagement–and not the good kind that restores my faith in humanity, but rather the kind that makes me want to wonder how some moms managed to think they were up to the task–would be an understatement.
A few of the best reactions:
So not to be snippy, but after having a child, Mother’s Day does NOT feel like a fake holiday. …
But my hubby is a great guy, very caring and affectionate, but as soon as we had a baby, things feel like they go very much unappreciated, and being a mom is HARD, something I’m afraid you honestly can’t understand fully unless you have kids. I don’t think it’s selfish at ALL to hope someone will do something special on the one day set aside out of 365 to make you feel like this insane sacrifice we give is worth it.
My hubby used to say that he would never get me a gift for Mother’s Day because “you’re not my mom, why should I?” Apparently his dad was the same way growing up, but as soon as that baby came out and he spent a few days trying to run the house without me, he changed his tune COMPLETELY. … This may be an agreed to disagree thing, but it does mean something to the OP, and you can’t just overlook that.
Mother's Day is EVERY day. Click To Tweet
You bring up great points…. In my case, Mother’s Day is perhaps more important to me than it’s ever been to my mom, ironically. So I always do something to commemorate it. But she could honestly care less about that day–esp. when Mother’s Day IS every day. She makes it easy for me to want to celebrate her any time I want–more often than not at random times during the year.
[Then I go a bit into my husband’s mom’s drama that’s a much better story for another day.]
She then actually responded very cordially and I was glad I addressed my concern with her because she was nice to deal with.
The other wives? Whew! They gave my fingers a long workout, with many of them saying the good ole’ “You’ll understand when you’re a mom.”
What, once I’m a mom I’ll understand how to be selfish and expect to want appreciation? Um…
“The day your child is born is the day you stop watching out/wanting for yourself.” Woah! NOT true! I am a mom, and it has changed me for the better, but I am an individual first and foremost. Us moms tend to get lost in motherhood and let it define us in an unhealthy way. We still have needs and dreams and interests that are completely unrelated to motherhood. And that’s a good thing! If I’m putting my children first the majority of the time, then I definitely need to put myself first when I can. Self care is VITAL for mental health. And that includes advocating for how we would like our special day to go.
Agreed. We as humans in general need to take good care of ourselves. But asking someone to celebrate X in the way we decide or else we’ll be upset ≠ putting ourselves first. It’s putting all others last, and moms don’t do that.
Your opinion may possibly change when you DO become a mom. I don’t think this is selfish at all. But I AM kind of wondering where your harsh judgement is coming from..
This year was mine and my husband‘s 25th wedding anniversary. I told him I wanted to celebrate it. I didn’t want it to fade off into oblivion with no notice whatsoever. The point is, some people like to celebrate their milestones. I’m pretty positive this is what her question is all about.
I thought I explained where I was coming from, so my bad if it wasn’t understood . My mom isn’t the wanting kind (seriously, her only reward is the way I turned out–her words, not mine) so I have a hard time understanding moms who are.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate milestones–and Mother’s Day (which has nothing to do with a HUGE milestone such as a 25th wedding anniversary, which, congrats!), although it had honorable, humble beginnings, isn’t a milestone. Every day that that child excels and lives responsibly is a milestone.
After a while I noticed that these moms–and people on Facebook in general–would only read one thing, grab on to that thing, and ignore the rest, the context. (Mom brain?) Like a lot of them alleging I’m against celebrating other people even though I never said that.Hey moms! Every day that that child excels and lives responsibly is a milestone. How much more validation do you want? Click To Tweet
But it doesn’t end there!
Here’s where I clarify more about where I came from for those who still didn’t get it:
While I’m polite and care for manners, I’m someone who’s always frank and doesn’t sugarcoat what I say. Therefore I do apologize (to the OP only) for the matter in which I may have come across, but *not* for what I say, as I think at least some of it needed to be brought up.
Happiness shouldn’t be tied to outward stimuli. It’s up to US to be happy–it’s not anyone’s job (not our husbands’ or even our kids) to make us happy. Asking for others to be responsible for our own happiness (by, say, having them gift us X or else we’ll be upset!) is selfish. I hope I’m not the only who thinks that?
It’s interesting how the only point some seemed to have gravitated towards is my not being a mom YET. (Wonder if their reactions would’ve differed had I left that part out?) I think it’s interesting because they fail to realize that I’m still a daughter and daughter-in-law.
My mom is the most selfless and giving mom I’ve ever come across, and she’s been the best role model. If I’m just a fraction of what she’s been like my whole life, I’ll be set, and my children will turn out awesome. My MIL, on the other hand, offers the best model of a mom to NOT aspire to, with her incredible selfishness and narcissism. (I’m very thankful she’s out of our lives, in fact.) Somehow, her sons turned out great, too..go figure.
In sum, a new mom needs to be celebrated, sure. And sure, Idk YET how I’ll be like once I do become a mom. But I do know one thing: Having grown up seeing what to be like..and experiencing + hearing stories of what NOT be like..will have helped me become a dang good mom. (Meaning that no, I don’t think asking for X “or else I’ll be upset” would make me a good mom.)
Although I was done with them, those women weren’t done with me:
Wife from comment #3 felt the need to respond some more:
THIS first mother’s day for THIS particular mom is most definitely a milestone!! Just believe me when I tell you that. And it should be commemorated and celebrated.
I’m glad you had great experiences with your mom not wanting mother’s day, and I’m sorry your husband had terrible Mother’s Day experiences. But, as you know, God did not create all of us to be exactly the same. This one is special for her. Just let her have it without the unnecessary criticism.
And thank you for your congratulations!
If treating moms well is only left for ONE day out of the whole year, there's something wrong with your family. Click To Tweet
I wasn’t criticizing her–I was just saying it like I saw it: her comment struck me as selfish. If someone else told me that to my face, I’d tell her the same thing. I’d say, “What’s wrong with the ‘last-minute flowers’? Didn’t that mean he at least thought of you?”
I personally think the things you mentioned about kids giving moms cards, etc. is exactly how it should be–endearing AND out of their OWN volition. The moment something so special starts to become a chore (which is the tone the OP was taking in my mind) is when resentment starts to grow. Holidays should make people want to celebrate *others*–not make those others require something in particular or else.
I get her newborn won’t be physically able to gift her anything (besides, Idk, his good health and every day that he’s alive) so it may be up to the husband to do something if that day is such a big deal to her. I honestly think her whole dilemma could’ve been prevented if, like I mentioned earlier, she just told him lovingly how much it meant and didn’t give any expectations. She had the answer but for some reason wanted others’ validation 🤷🏻♀️.
I’ve found that men have nowadays been getting the short end of the stick, and Idk, her comment criticizing some dang flowers instead of just handling it herself and becoming the change she wanted to see did strike me the wrong way.
Lastly, I don’t doubt that that ANY first mother’s day for ANY particular mom is most definitely a milestone and I thank you for your time and seeing how just because one may be a mother doesn’t mean one should care about mother’s day–esp. when mother’s day is every day, and if treating wives and moms well is only left for ONE day out of the whole year, there’s something wrong.
After a short amount of time, I really hoped I’d soon be done with that particular post. I’ve actually stopped following that group and soon I may leave it altogether so I save those wives/moms who seem like total tools from my signature dose of reality.
This is another response to that long follow-up comment I added:
I don’t think it’s selfish at all to have one day that you get treated special. When you have tiny humans, just having one day that your husband is willing to do all the diapers for instance, is really nice. It’s nice to have a meal that you don’t have to cook. When the kids are older, it’s so sweet to get the handmade cards and gifts to treasure. I don’t see anything wrong with being celebrated one day of the year. Being a parent is a lot of really hard work. I always make sure Father’s day is special for my husband as well.
I understand my posts may have been a little long and you decided to skim them. However, I do regret you–and almost everyone else–seemed to have misinterpreted me, perhaps for not reading those comments. Nothing wrong w/that, but it could’ve prevented the subsequent misunderstandings.
I never said it was selfish to BE celebrated. For example, I love birthdays and enjoy doing special things on mine and others’! And in the country where I grew up, they had “children’s day” (akin to Mother’s and Father’s Day), which was even more of a fake holiday but it never warranted any “If I don’t get X, I’ll be very upset!”-like statements, like the OP’s. It’s healthy to NOT care about that kind of thing, especially when one’s loved ones already treat one exceptionally well every other day.
I don’t get the problem of saying that it seems selfish to say, “If I don’t get something celebrated my way I’ll be upset.” Wouldn’t it be selfish if someone else said that to you? Or do moms on this group get a pass somehow and should we just be like, “Yes tell your husband that you should get X or else,” or “You’re totally right. You’re awesome. There’s no one better than you. Your husband is not valuing your needs.”
Nah, I tel it like it is. It’s not wrong to want to be celebrated–but it is selfish to demand it as though it was the end of the world while demeaning other things the husband could do that she wouldn’t like–for no other reason other than they don’t meet her expectations.
SOMEBODY PLEASE TEACH MODERN MOMS AND WIVES SOMETHING. Dr. Laura should be required listening, I feel.
I was randomly browsing through other comments on that post and came across this one that I wish more of those “make your husband do X” women living in la-la land had seen: (emphasis my own)
Accept the man you married is who he is and unless he goes all out for other holidays, he’s not one to come up with these ideas on his own. He may be a man that will go to the end of the earth to give you what you want, but would never do it without being told what you want, specifically. Just because you ‘want him to surprise you’ doesn’t mean he’s the kind of guy that’s going to do it, and you need to learn to be ok with that, or you’re not. But you married him for some reason, so look at those, and not his inability to plan mother’s day surprises!
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I wish you don’t make your husbands do something out of fear they’ll upset you if they don’t. Accept him. Love him unconditionally. Don’t be like those wives.I wish you don't make your husbands do something out of fear they'll upset you if they don't. Click To Tweet
Do you think men should be required to celebrate Mother’s Days? Or is it a fake holiday in your eyes? How do you suggest men should be asked to do things for you?